THE PASTOR'S WIFE

THIS IS A GREAT POST BY ANOTHER PASTOR ...

The unfortunate story of Mary Winkler, accused wife of a murdered pastor in Tennessee, has brought to the surface many issues related to being a pastor’s wife. The supposed theory in her case is that her husband fell pray to one of those “millions of dollars are waiting for you after the death of my husband, Mr. Kokomo” internet scams. The pressure of the financial improprieties that followed (as well as alleged abuse) are said to have pushed her over the edge to the point that she shot and killed him one afternoon before church, then took the kids and went on vacation.

Having been a pastor of some description since 1989, my wife has been in all kinds of scenarios: country church, church start in a skating rink, large church (part time), mission church, mega-church and now, medium church. The expectatation for her in each one was different as was the pressure that came from the expectations that I had for myself or were placed on me. In the mission church, for instance, we were the only family with a baby so she ended up in the nursery every week–it gave her plenty of time to ponder whether I had lost my mind to drag us into the middle of nowhere. In the mega-church, many people didn’t even know who she was (which was fine with her).

Pastor’s wives used to have (still do?) cookie cutter expectations placed up them: either they played piano, sang in the choir, led children’s choir or led VBS. Sometimes it was all of the above and more. It really didn’t matter where her giftedness lay, it was the expectation, or need of the church, that reigned supreme. Add to that the tension that inevitably arises from pastor/church/staff struggles and conflict and its surprising that more pastors wives don’t whip out the old .357 Magnum and fire away.

Many, if not all, of these ladies have no close friend to turn to when they need to share what is hurting them about the church, and their pastor husband is often unaware because of hesitancy to burden her already burdened husband. If, like me, her husband has chosen to be transparent about his struggles in the church and ministry, then she may be carrying more burden than is her due anyway. How many times has a pastor’s wife finally gotten the courage to trust someone in the church only to have it around the block and back before the phone rests in the cradle again? Then the tomb of silence grows more dark and more deep, sometimes with genuine depression setting in. (And we aren’t even going to the darkest of all–pastors who are having an affair with their ministry, just as sinful as physical adultery, while she is expected to smile through the service each week and pretend that everything is sunshine and roses.)

I can’t thank God enough that He has placed Sonya and I in a church where the wives of our pastors are expected to do what God requires of them and nothing more. They can dress in a way that pleases their husband and themselves without having to worry about what old Deacon Jones’ wife is going to say. They can serve in the area of their giftedness and interest with no expectation of anything else. How many other pastors’ wives could sit on the very back row every service, as mine does, and never get a sideways look? (It probably says more about my preaching than I care to know :^)

So I guess this post is in honor of the Pastor’s Wife. Thanks for all you do and all you are…God is paying attention to your hurts, wounds, frustrations and joys. You are not forgotten.

AND I SAY, "AMEN." AND THANK YOU TO MY WONDERFUL WIFE, PRISCILLA, AND TO CALVARY FOR TREATING HER SO LOVINGLY!!

Blessings,

pastor ellis

Comments

[George Cox]

I too hope that no one ever expects more of the pastors wife than Christ does. The pastor's wife is a support for the pastor, not a second staff member as many churches believe. Thank you Priscilla, and all of our other pastor's wives (and husband) for supporting your spouse, and all that you do in the church even though you are not obligated to. Your love for your spouse, and the church is evidence of your love for God.

george